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Friday, February 4, 2011

VH1: That Metal Show

For years, one channel over all others has done more to anger metal fans than any other with their obnoxious countdowns and Top 100's. No, not MTV (an acronym that used to stand for Music Television), the party in question is in fact, VH1.
  
In recent years, with the advent of their cable tier-level channel, VH1 Classic, they have gone over-the-top with their debauchery trying to show their knowledge of the sacred music and appeal to metal fans. It started with “Metal Mania,” a segment of programming dedicated to playing only “Metal” videos. Unfortunately for us true metalheads, to see videos for Motörhead, Dio, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, and others which include Anthrax, Megadeth, and Metallica, we have to sit through countless Ratt, Poison, Warrant, Dokken, and Winger videos. While it is better than listening to the radio, it is still awful. Distorted guitar and either falsetto or growls does not inherently mean a band is metal. We as metalheads know this, apparently VH1 does not, but, I digress.

Beginning in 2008, VH1 Classic unveiled an original talk show series targeting our demographic with super metal guru Eddie Trunk, Jim Florentine, and Don Jamieson as the hosts. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am talking about:

WTF?

For those of you unfamiliar with Eddie Trunk, he is about the least metal person on the planet, and may remember him from his days on those atrocious Top 100 countdowns featuring “Metal” artists and always flaunting his knowledge of everything metal. I will say he knows what he talks about when he opens his mouth, which is always good, but knowledge of metal does not make the individual metal. Does knowledge of Faraday’s law of induction make one an electrical engineer or does knowing where to place fingers to play chords make someone a musician? No. One cannot be what one is not unless dramatic steps are taken by the individual to change.

That Metal Show, in theory, is a relatively good show featuring heroes of metal, updates on bands, metal trivia, and debates on what is more metal. The inherent problem here is that VH1 got their greasy little paws over this idea and feature not-so-metal bands like Twisted Swister (although Dee Snyder is an interesting personality) and Europe. Yes, Europe, the band that brought “The Final Countdown” and “Carrie,” a band that did its very best to look pretty and whose front man, without being glam, looked like a woman at the height of the band's popularity. Other guests have included Aerosmith, Hatebreed, and Rush. Apparently, VH1 needs a little more help understanding, distorted guitar does not make a band metal.

When a corporate conglomerate gets its snaky fingers over an idea to appease a demographic, this is what happens. They take experts to figure out what the fans want to see and hear, they assume that their target will find their programming great, and think that they know and possess the solutions to an untapped market. They fail to realize that true metal fans will not typically listen to Aerosmith or Hatebreed. So, what happens as a result is that they give the world a show about metal, dedicated to metal featuring hosts with short hair and that look relatively well-groomed.

These guys wouldn't know metal if it slit their wrists

If the producers had listened to one Manowar song in its entirety they would know how to appease true metalheads.

Most metalheads despise Kiss and Aerosmith, turn off their radios when they hear Guns N Roses, and vomit at the thought of Alter Bridge. Not That Metal Show. Once again, the VH1 adage if it has distorted guitar it has to be metal holds here, just adding more fuel to the metalhead's hatred and alienation that have defined his or her upbringing.

At the end of every episode they have a “Throwdown,” where the hosts and the special guests argue between two metal topics, usually classic albums. Who do they think they are, Bobby Flay? There is no debating which is better, metalheads know. When Bill Ward and Danzig appeared on the show, they debated the albums Heaven & Hell and Blizzard of Oz. There is no argument and it should be understood why without explanation. To make matters worse, the hosts fail to argue effectively, especially when they debate a guest's work, having their panties too far in a bunch to want to hurt the guest's feelings. Everyone who makes a point goes on the defensive, no one attacking the weak points trying to disprove the other or trying to point out why their opinion is the only just and logical one. Metalheads defend only when they have to, otherwise, they crush their opponents with tact, superior taste, and understanding of why it is so.

Tell that to Eddie Trunk, Don Jamieson, and Jim Florentine.

The day Eddie Trunk was born, metal experienced one of its greatest travesties because he was destined to pull a Trojan horse on unsuspecting metalheads everywhere; knowing and loving just enough metal to pass as a metalhead, but acting and doing just enough for those with unblinded eyes to know him for what he truly is, an imposter. After six seasons, there seems no signs of stopping this show unless somehow they can hear the rallying cries of true metalheads that the show itself is not metal and must end. He said on one show TMS is “...the one show that actually pays some respect to their music.” Don't make me laugh.

21 comments:

  1. I have not had cable in a year, and I still remember hating the fuck out of this show. Thank you for your input.

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  2. You're welcome. I haven't seen the show since season one and only skipped through segments on their website in order to develop my arguments because I can't stand it. Those guys make me so mad. They have a raging boner for Kiss.

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  3. You've made my day with this. I hate that fucking festing turd swallower with a passion. I can't decide who is worse: Ricky Ratchman (member him?) or Trunk. Most metalheads despise Kiss and Aerosmith
    YEESSSSSSS!!!! I was baffled that Dimebag was a big Kiss fan.

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  4. I'm glad I could be of assistance. I would have to say Trunk, because I remember more of him.

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  5. "Most metalheads despise Kiss". Sure most metalheads(the fans)hate KISS, but most of the guys IN metal bands (who metalhead fans worship)started playing because of KISS. There's an irony in there somewhere. KISS is rock music 101. Dimebag started with Ace Frehley and took off from there. So did countless other guitarists...

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  6. Yeah, sad but true. I look at it this way: they were young once and made stupid choices like the rest of us.

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  7. SIXXXX???? SEASONSSS???? WTF??? I catch it here and there for the lulz, but how did they fill 6 seasons??? You can only talk about Sabbath, Priest, Maiden and UFO for so long?? What did these guys do? I wasn't shocked, you have to appeal to a big audience so of course this is the fail that VH1 came up with. The guys seem pretty cool so i kind of feel bad for them, cause you kinda feel like they know they are gay/posers.......

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  8. I find it weird how when Dave Mustaine was on the show all they did was talk shit about glam metal, yet they always have glam metal members on the show and always kiss ass to them...

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  9. Anyone seen Trunks book yet? Worst piece of garbage you will ever have the misfortune of coming across in your local bookstore. Just as bad as the show in my opinion.

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  10. Yeah, its not near as good as the shows all you guys are on.............oh no, wait. nevermind.

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  11. BondedbyBlood8/30/2011 8:19 AM

    They spend way more time talking about poser bands like Bon Jovi and Poison then any actual metal bands

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  12. Shit, I hate the term metal because of that show and the quote, "Real Metal Heads". Anyone who spends more than a few minute debating this shit is Pathetic. The Movie Spinal Tap got it right. I guess it's Halloween 24-7 365 days a year for you freaks. If anyone even thinks they are Metal, they are the posers. More vain the a teeny-booper dressed like the current pop-star flavor of the moment. Substance over Image.

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  13. I saw a two minute clip of this shite on YouTube the other day, was amazed at how fucking blindingly bad it was. It's like some cable football (American or European, it doesn't (ever) matter) show for conservative middle-aged farts to suck flat light beer to. And I am a middle aged fart. It actually angered me, and I don't waste my time being angry at TV shows, but what the actual fuck? In fact I've got it: It's Top Gear for Metal! Fucking...SHITE.

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  14. I like this show.

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  15. I agree with the points on why the show is bad, but not the alpha-male edge of this article. That's just a stereotyping of the metalhead.

    It's difficult to agree that all metalheads instinctively hate Kiss and Aerosmith, considering that hard rock is relevant to the genre. Most seem to have at least a closet appreciation for the older hard rock acts, and even a few of the glam acts. Twisted Sister, in particular, despite the later bubble gum hits, has earned metal immortality for Under the Blade through stay Hungry. I mean, other glam bands wouldn't dare write anything like "Destroyer", "Sin After Sin" or "Burn in Hell."

    The hosts know very little about metal. Many think that they love the classic bands, but watch the show enough and even this is false. Not one on there has even aknowledged 70s Judas Priest, which is largely regarded as the band's best era, and their knowledge of the nwobhm is nil. Same for thrash. Did anyone see the alternate "Big Four" list? Not one of them even nominated Kreator, and that just freaked me out.

    I understand the show's focus on primarily classic metal, and I applaud that, but why not focus on some underground and extreme bands as well? This year was the ten year anniversary of Chuck Schulinder's death, and yet no mention on VH1. That saddens me greatly, considering the man's impact on the genre.

    When new bands are discussed, they are generally poor bands. I'm not sure how Opeth has not appeared, considering that the spirit of that band is fueled by the classic progressive conventions of the 70s, and the frontman is very well versed on the genre of metal. At least get somebody like that on there to talk about classic metal!

    The debates are potentially good, but none of them have the brains to make any of them work. Take the BLIZZARD OF OZ vs. HEAVEN AND HELL debate. That should have been a good one. Both are important and artistically viable albums with loads of influence and classic songs. Both launched careers for two of metal's most iconic figures. You'd think it would be exciting...well, you would be wrong. I agree with the writer that real music fans have far better, more OPEN-MINDED debates on the music, and this is just not what this was.

    THAT METAL SHOW is poor, but fascinating, like a train wreck. It exists, so that we can bitch and dissect it and hope for something better.

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  16. Yeah, not a HUGE fan and I have ALWAYS QUESTIONED Trunk's claim to be a metal head. I only really tune in when they have a REAL METAL musician otherwise, I think the show sucks!

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  17. I love the show even though I don't love metal music. Maybe that's the reason ? (LOL)

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  18. aren't some of y'all being closed minded? this show is awesome.

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  19. The one and only DAVIDIOT!10/06/2012 6:34 AM

    Of course a lot of metalheads started playing because of Kiss for a number of different reasons. I started playing because I kept seeing it done in front of me and realized that it couldn't be that difficult ( I knew I could do it at least as well as most!). And Kiss...they were the fucking worst musicians EVER! And their instrumental ineptitude was surpassed only by their remedially retarded song writing. But whoever you are you have to respect their marketing skill although their incredible success is just a horribly blatant example of the relative stupidity of the vast majority of the music buying public. There is a huge difference between musicians/artists and entertainers! Even when I was a member of the proper demographic,I WAS NEVER A "BUBBLEGUMMER"!I've learned to appreciate superb musicianship.I have no problem spending my money to support the efforts of talented artists but I can entertain myself for free! I believe that a lot of the great classical composers of the past would have been Metalheads if they were alive today. They didn't have the tools we have today but their works were incredibly intense in many cases! yep those guys are maybe medium weight aluminum (sopping wet!) at best. And I totally agree with having to wade thru the sewage of shit like Poison,Ratt,Cinderella and all those other poser fag,hair spray and douche sponsered bands just to hear/see some Megadeth,Maiden,Priest, Anthrax,Nuclear Assault ect.. And paying homage to all of the older more established (and in some cases, mainstreamed) bands really does a disservice to all of the up and coming bands that are hard pressed to get exposed to potential new fans by anyone anywhere in any medium. Maybe it's time to pitch a "That Metal Show" for vh1's contemporary channel?

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.