This guest Violation post is brought to you by Alkahest, main editor and creator of Heavy Blog is Heavy. If you aren't familiar with HBIH, it is a fellow metal blog "dedicated to heavy music and all of its friends, featuring metal news, reviews, and other nincompoopery", as opposed to my blog, which exclusively focuses on the latter. You can visit www.heavyblogisheavy.com, "Like" them on Facebook, or found out how much Alkahest enjoys the taste of any given burrito by following him on Twitter.
|"Yeah, I like listen to a a little bit of everything, right now. I mean, I just love music, you know?"|
I had the misfortune of having had to take a music appreciation class during my sophomore year of college. I had to fill some credit hours and it was required; it’s not like I needed some pretentious fuck telling me how I need to appreciate music more. It was out of my hands and I had to take an appreciation class on either Classical Music or Rock and Roll. My first mistake was the obvious one---I should have chosen Classical. That would have weeded out the musically retarded, at least.
No, I took History of Rock and Roll, thinking it would be an easy course and I could listen to music while I got real work done. Turns out the class was easy, but the teacher was this dumb broad who repeatedly referred to Flyleaf as a Christian death metal band and insisted that I was being unfair when I implied Jethro Tull shouldn’t have won that Grammy for being a Metal act. I couldn’t make this shit up if I wanted to, as I would be ill of myself for even coming up with something this absurd.
Despite being dumbfounded into an almost comatose-like state through most of the course (we spent a week on Run-DMC and Aerosmith while Black Sabbath weren’t even mentioned in passing), I vividly remember the first day of this class. The room full of mouthbreathers and I were given the task to introduce ourselves along with our major and music genre of choice. Just as I expected, I was to only one in the room who apparently had enough balls to listen to metal. The rest of the class rattled off their inferior genres (including an alarmingly large number of country and hip hop fans), but what was most interesting to me was that most of the females in the class gave the answer “I listen to a little bit of everything.”
This vague and obnoxious answer was almost exclusive to the women in the room, which I thought was funny and did nothing but reinforce my low opinion of women and their taste in music (with the exception of Erin from 74,000 Riffs, who is metaller than not only most women, but children and small animals as well). Why anyone would admit to listening to Kenny Chesney is beyond me, but that redneck had big enough grapes to have confidence in his music taste, unlike these gals. No one listens to and enjoys everything, especially not women.
I propose that women are attempting to do the following two things when they say they’ll listen to anything:
1) Trying to seem open minded and intellectual.
Oh hey, this chick listens to everything! She must be really smart and open minded. I really admire her and her ability to find enjoyment everywhere. She must thrive for adventure and is open to new things. I bet she’s nice. Wrong. She’s shallow and worthless. If you love everything, your love is worth less, and prices go up. Congratulations, you’ve just inflated the market. How does it feel to cause thousands of families to not afford paying their mortgages? You make me sick.
2) Hiding their asses and being vague in attempt to shift their taste in music to fit whatever guy they’re currently pining for.
I don’t know about you, but the first thing I do when I’m selecting a lady is taking a look at their taste in music to not only check our compatibility, but her intelligence and susceptibility to being converted. If she listens to Chiodos, I might get her to eventually jump ship into bands like The Dillinger Escape Plan. I like a challenge! Thrill of the hunt, you see. If a girl says she listens to anything, she’s really just waiting for you to tell her what you like so she can feign interest and have you buy her drinks. Fuck that.
So ladies, unless you have Lady Gaga, Opeth, Charlie Daniels, Cannibal Corpse, Bjork, Miles Davis, and 50 Cent on your iPod, I don’t want to hear your shit. Just tell me what you listen to so I can get on with my day.