Wednesday, August 6, 2014

"DJENT"

So have you clowns been getting into this new fake metal craze "DJENT" all the buzzcut blue jeaners are talking about on the MySpace or whatever? I figured you were the best people to ask, since you're all such a bunch of fucking poseurs.

Djent is the latest craze hitting the nu metal scene. And by latest craze, I know I actually mean craze of probably 2009. Don't give me this shit about staying current or being way behind you iPhone tapping frauds. The only reason I'm even using this fucking internet crap is because Pagan Altar released a new album back in 2004 and I had to go Google how to steal it. I kept using the internet since, because I liked how easy it was to make fun of people on it for listening to over-produced flatulence like this:



BJOW BJOW. BYOW WOYW. Give me that guitar so I can teach you how to play your fucking self-respect back. Or just break it on your face. I have some wood you can chug on.

DJENT is a DJOKE. If Linkin Park was getting their start in 2011, I can pretty much guarantee they would be a fucking djent band. Which would be great, because that would mean Linkin Park would only have a couple hundred fans and not be making any money like the rest of these phonies.

Being 58 years old instead of actually 27, I've seen a lot of shitty sub-metal trends in my day. When glam rockers were pucker facing us square in our aching elitist prostates back in the glory days of hating everything, we didn't really think it could get any worse. I mean, it seemed downright fucking impossible. If somebody went back in time and told me back in 1987 that something worse than Poison was on its way, I would have literally shit my pants. Literally. I would have very easily and regularly shit my pants with little regard for what I was doing. Maybe even cried. That's how much something worse than Poison fucking scared me. It wasn't because I was a baby, you suspicious cock. It's because I was fucking there and I was being metal as hell about it.

Entry-Level.
Then came grunge. Then came nu-metal. Then came metalcore, and along with metalcore there was the dawn of high-speed internet. The internet was important here for two reasons. One; it was the pivotal point when radio and television completely gave up on staying current with new hard rock music, leaving the general rock-listening public, as dimwitted as they were, to define for themselves what was actually popular. And two; with the power of internet access, bands and musical genres could maintain an undying fanbase for years and years past a point when they would have otherwise been rendered irrelevant by the passage of time. So metalcore maintained, and it warped and grew into something worse every passing year. Bands experimented in the worst possible ways with the worst possible forms of musical gimmickry in order to stay ahead in a densely saturated market: Chug-chug breakdowns, inward oinky pig vocals, auto-tuning, electronica, obnoxious music-breaking time signatures and more bad hairstyles than glam could have ever hoped to achieve. Soon, metalcore wasn't just metalcore anymore. It had branched off to become its own separate musical superpower with its very own sub-genres and trend setters. Or at least that's my interpretation of modern "metal" music. Everybody might as well just be fucking Atreyu to me these days. 

Pictured above:  Who? No, no. That is definitely, definitely Atreyu.

So here we are in the year 2013 when I started writing this, and 2014 now that I'm posting it. Through a series of trends, changes, gimmicks, and an overuse of the word "experimental", metalcore has finally taken on its ultimate battle manga-esque form in the "genre" of "DJENT":


All of Djent summed up in a single photograph. (Power-level immeasurable.)
To understand how bad djent really is, we first must set our butt drives to maximum hurtz and time travel back to its riffy roots. In the mid 90's, some oppressively mediocre Swedish band from the late 80's called Meshuggah began rising in popularity among people with a misguided taste in music... And -- well -- that's really it. Some band that's musically 1/8th of a tick above Static-X on the acceptable metal scale, is the entire beginning and end of djent's sordid history. Every djent band that has ever rose to fame, owes literally every microcosmic iota of how shitty they sound to Meshuggah for that single, stupid fucking riff. That repetitive, simple, down-tuned, palm-muted sound of a handicapped duck taking an angry shit that is the core of every djent band's bullshit effort at producing music. In this sense, Meshuggah are pioneers; much in the same way that ape fuckers are the pioneers of AIDS.

It should come to no surprise to you that Meshuggah is my least favorite band ever. No, they're not my most hated, they're just my least favorite. It's like having a son who disappoints you and you love the least among your children. Like, imagine if you had a son who just thought Cloudkicker was the best thing he's ever heard. Your shame would be immense; yet you'd still feel enough of a fatherly sense of obligation to bail him out of jail for sodomy charges. Hahahaha, holy shit, wow, I didn't mean that. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that if I exhaust all the discographies of phenomenal metal music in my digital library that I downloaded illegally, I would listen to a Meshuggah song dead fucking last. I still haven't gotten there, yet. Me willingly listening to a Meshuggah album is more of a thought experiment at this point. I'm merely stating that it's physically possible within the confines of our natural universe. Sort of like light-speed travel, or me finally giving up on this blog.

HRRRRNNGH... *djent*

So why Meshuggah? Why go back in the annals of bad rock history to cop riffs from some dismissible nu-metal Limp BizKornKnot band?

Because DUB-STEP that's why.

Anyone who attempts to debate me on this automatically registers themselves for the upcoming fall semester at Stupid Cunt University. With the current popularity of wubby-wubbz noise makers like Skrillex and Dead-Mau-Five, djent riffs are the best way for basketball jersey wearing Gaugers to enjoy this new form of garbage bag music, while still maintaining their hard-earned edginess in front of their other ink-necked peers.

The djent riff is no less than the purposeful creation of dub-step by means of an electric guitar. 


Djent fans are essentially thumping digital beat lovers in denial. The fact that many popular djent bands prominently feature beepity-boopity computerized ambient electronic elements in their music doesn't make disputing this fact I'm presenting to you any easier. Meshuggah has unwittingly handed these tool tappers a method of making house music with guitar distortion:



"Hhhwwwwwhoooooooooooaaaaaaah". Fire a dual-barrel dick cannon into my fucking eyes. Shit spicy Indian food into my infected back zits with this runny putrid display of what someone could ever possibly consider a respectable musical effort. God damn it. So we now have established that DJENT = DUBSTEP, and as such should be avoided by a smart person. Here are some ways to easily classify a djent band so you can still hang out with your homies here in the KVLT KLVB:

How it sounds:

I don't know if any of you noticed, but I was going for the all-time world record of longest time it took for an article about "djent" to explain to you what "djent" really means. I would say a celebration was in order, if I didn't fully recognize how completely sad all of this was. Anyway, djent is an onomatopoeia for what this Messhuggah riff sounds like:



If black, baggy zipper pants could make music all on their own, it would sound just like that. As I mentioned before, the sound of a furious mallard ruining his back end and quacking out in agony as he rips a vicious dump right into a shallow pond. A special-needs bulldog with infected eye pus, two bum legs and its best decade behind it objecting loudly at its inevitable pentobarbital-assisted put down. The Cadbury Bunny bawking away in the world's least favorite Easter-time commercial.

"djent-djent-djent-djent-djent"

It sounds to me less like "DJENT" and more like "BYOW BYOW tit BYOW titty BYOW BYOW". I'm not sure where they got the onomatopoeia for this, but then again, I don't know where they got "wham" and "bam" when Batman is punching people in the comics. Last time I punched somebody, it made a sound more like "pfek" and "owmyface".

It is an electric guitar sound engineered through proper distortion, mid-range levels, palm-muting, compression, down-tuning, and most important, playing technique. The very best way to achieve that coveted djent tone is to first and foremost, be an asshole. Once you've achieved that much, get yourself set up with a 7-string guitar, or even 8-string if you're a bona-fide djerk so you can get extra chunky low-end. That's right, internet. From this day forward I am stripping you dweebs of the self-appointed term "djentlemen" and instead, replacing it with the term "djerk". Because you suck and you need a title that properly conveys that. I have spoken.

There are a number of ways to properly pick your guitar in order to achieve that perfect djent tone. Most commonly, I see djenters on YouTube pinching their guitar pick like it's a cat turd and flapping their limp wrists down on their over-sized guitar strings like a bunch of mid-spasm window lickers. I however, find that the most appropriate playing technique is to acquire a long, floppy black dildo (available at a Guitar Center near you) and smack it square across your strings. Make sure that all 7 of your extra strings except your lowest low string are palm-muted (these are now useless) and you twist your wrist at just the right moment to get that perfect cock curl right across the body of your guitar. Any colored dildo should be okay, but black is preferable so as to honor the almighty Djesus of the Djenre:


Djender-bendng.
Or if you ask me, you can skip out on all the technique, amp modelling, compressors, distortion, 7+ strings, and just rip ass directly into a microphone to achieve the same sound. This way you'll save yourself (your parents) some serious cash.

How djerks like to define their music:

If Tosin Abasi's get-up in the above photograph is any indication, djent-players fancy themselves some real artists, and particularly technical ones at that. We'll get to that in a second, but first let's look at some ways djent players like to label their band's sound, all while avoiding the only proper term for their form of music, which is still just fucking "djent":


Progressive: We can take the age-old journey through time and space to discuss how progressive music is constructed to weave a dramatic tale; the telling of an epic story though the beauty of song. But this is djent, and there is no beauty to be found here. Only waste. When a djent song is "progressive", that means 4 minutes of djenty garbage is artificially elongated with some fucking techno to an eye-twitching 7 minutes and 55 seconds. Maybe they might throw in a quiet twinkly part so the vocalist has a chance to croon out what he's going to sing in his soaring Britain's Got Talent audition.




Experimental: This is a pretty common label for a djent group, and by far the least accurate. It's completely fucking laughable that anyone who plays djent thinks they have the right to claim they are "experimenting" with anything. Unless of course the experiment here is how much you can be just like TesseracT and Periphery and Monuments and Animals as Leaders and Born of Osiris and Vildjharta and Architects and everybody else doing this exact shame shit. Experimental by definition is "using a new way of doing something".

Please explain to me the innovation in making Meshuggah's music all over again, you hacks.


Mathcore: Do you know what I learned in math class? How to jerk off in secret. Fuck math. I've wasted enough time of my life having some uptight bitch nagging me about how learning the Pythagorean theorem was important. I don't need some psuedo-intellectual super twats trying to feature obtuse angles in their fucking song structure. If you call yourselves "math metal", what that says to me, is that if you somehow actually manage to have an enjoyable groove going in any given song, it's going to be abruptly ended at 3/11th of a beat and switched to some fretboard mashing garbage in an effort to appear musically advanced. Don't let these dropouts fool you into thinking they're on some whole other level just because they listen to or play music that isn't put together right. All you guys do is chunk and widdly at random intervals so you and your fans can brag about how complex you are. Do you know where a complex night of binge drinking gets me? Diarrhea. Djent is the diarrhea of music.

Djiarrhea.

The best metal songs ever written followed a proper rhythmic structure. 1-2-3-4-1-2-3-4  on its own is already fucking "math". It's not long division or calculus or trig but it works, and it's how we tap our toes and nod our heads. Doom metal is already better than everything, so enough already. So stop trying to do something different and wild with your distorted jazz music.  It's not like I'm
C
      H
A
   N
ging
How blogs R written
2 Make Me Seem B-e-t-T-E-R at 1T.

If I wanted my blog to look like that, I'd be posting gifs with the rest of the fakes on tumblr. Fuck tumblr. Your music is djumblr.

Sharing gifs like some fucking fraud.

Ambient: Regardless of sub-genre, if we're talking about metal, this means noise. For you black metal fans out there, you'll recognize this as the type of music that just goes "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and you pretend to like anyway. Many lesser known djent bands refer to themselves as "ambient" because they don't really care how much their djenting comes together as real music. Even if you are low enough on the metal totem-pole to listen to djent, you should steer clear from anything that describes itself as "ambient" in your genre. You have enough suck in your playlist as it is, why bring more plague upon yourself? Ambient djent bands are often purely instrumental, and since the instrumentals is what specifically makes this genre so awful (the Backstreet Boy singers are optional), then an instrumental djent band is putting all that suck right at the foreground. Ambient instrumental djent music also has obnoxious song titles like "He would be riding on the subway or writing formulas on the blackboard or having a meal or (as now) sitting and talking to someone across a table, and it would envelop him like a soundless tsunami." That is the actual song title for just one Cloudkicker song. Other Cloudkicker titles follow this same formula of having too much garbage going on in them. That song would have just as easily been called "Soundless Tsunami" and the rest of that shit could have just been easily been incorporated in the song as lyrics if he wanted to tell us a fucking story so bad.

What djerks write about in their lyrics:

Space
Spacial architecture
Spacial architecture in my miiiiind
Galaxies
Planets Colliding
Super novas
Spirituality (but not Christian music cuz that's gay)

Looking within
Matter
Mind
Mind over Matter
Matter over Mind
Matt and his Mind
Mental artifacts
Robotics and stuff
Genesis
Regenesis
Parthenogenesis
Palingenesis
Other forms of Genesis that may or may not feature Phil Collins 
The Sky, looking to it, etc.
Some other stuff they learned about watching a TV special about more space

Artifacts
Space artifacts
Time
Chemical structure
Sequences. Whatever sequence. DNA sequence? Some sequence.
Chemical space structure artifact sequence architects in my miiiind's genesis
My girlfriend broke up with me and I'm conveying my feelings by singing about space.

Now, I'm gonna try to swiftly get off the topic of how music works and is composed because as you can clearly tell, I don't know dick about it. Sorry, I work for a living. So now presenting the worst thing that you've ever heard:



Fuck me in the ass and face. I'd rather be shot in the stomach and go septic than listen to anymore of this unforgivable dog shit. I'd rather be shot in the stomach and then have a stray, worms-ridden dog shit in my open, septic, festering wound, because I would be more welcoming to that dog shit than this dog shit. See, djent goes far beyond the eight or nine major acts that got together to figure out how they could all keep producing the same music. Do you remember when I was referring to metalcore as its own whole new musical superpower? Well, djent has grown so large and so fearsome, that it too is taking on a similar status all on its own. The above example is described as "nu-djent". It's like 1998 rap metal, but with the worst kind of metal and then again accompanied by the world famous worst kind of music.

People are doing lots of things with this djent crap. The majority of djent players in the community are a bunch of messy bedroom dwellers showing people the proper playing technique on YouTube, or arguing about whether or not you need more strings to djent properly on got-djent.com. If they're not doing that, they're covering shitty songs online with their obnoxious playing style. More often than not, these songs are already dub-step. I have no way of conveying how extremely redundant I find that, other than just posting a video of it happening. Watch and be amazed.

Bask in the light of solid proof as to djent's dub-steppy musical intentions:


"No need to put shoes on, I've accomplished everything I set out to do today."

This is like dub-step over dub step. This is like double dub-step. This is double-step. 

With all of djents inherent shittiness in mind, are guys like Tosin Abasi and Misha Mansoor bad guitarists? No, they're not. In their own right, they're incredible musicians. If you somehow manage to sit through an Animals as Leaders or Periphery album, there's no way you're gonna be able to deny their chops as players. They deserve every free multi-colored piece of shit that Ibanez ever sent their way. But do you know who else is a good guitarist? Synester Gates. It doesn't change the fact that he's using his ability to play the worst music this side of the planet. You could be the best guitarist in the world, and all you're doing is selling yourself short by playing any of this trendy garbage. Both of these guys are continuously hawked as the greatest modern metal guitarists of our era. So much so that even John Petrucci references them when discussing his latest inspiration. Where the fuck is Frederik Thordendal's piece of credit pie in all this?

Pictured above: Probably not Frederik Thordendal
As technical as these bands like to present themselves and as capable as their guitarists may be, the core sound that really sells djent to the superdweebs that listen to it is mind-numbingly simple. Once you figure out just the right way to tune, distort and smack on your lowest string, you're pretty much fucking golden as far as the entire djenre goes. Case in point, this gauger that attached a single guitar string and an EMG pickup to a big long wooden plank:


You can watch the whole five minutes of the video if you really feel obligated to, but rest assured, you're getting the gist at the 1-minute mark. I don't know what purpose this kid had in constructing this "djent-stick", but the conclusion remains the same: djent music is low level bullshit. The riff he's playing with what he has on hand is completely passable as far as the entire genre goes. This is djent music in its purest form. The video lays bare the ridiculousness of djent guitarists purchasing these different guitars featuring so many strings when he performs the style they covet with merely one. 

Yes, djent has guitar solos. Yes, djent music can feature complex melodies. Yes, djent guitarist have been known to occasionally pluck another string somewhere, thank you so much for your teenage-level fucking rebuttal of "nut-uh". That's not the point. The point is that djent's main riff, it's defining characteristic, it's very namesake is a playing method that is boring, simple, monotonous, and now painfully overplayed. It's a musical trend, a gimmick, it's done completely on purpose, and it's the best way to get your band categorized and forgotten. Quit riding on the coattails of the latest metal fad and figure some music out for yourself. Every djenter deserves to have Thor shit a lightning bolt square into their unmetal little fake fucking poseur vagina mouth. Go take your boring shit back to the realm of electronica where it belongs and keep your pasty little girl hands off my instruments and my genre. Cunts.

Hail and kill fucking forever. Burn the fake poseur infidels and fist bump Oden so goddamn hard he has to fucking shake off the pain of his godly wrist a little as he nods towards you with mad respect for how epicly hard you fist bump. Ride your steel horse with black wind fire and steel straight into the homes of falsies and lead boot their dads in the sack for raising their puss kids to like and make shit music. Fuck them forever. Never give up the good fight. Spend every waking moment of your true metal life telling every faker on YouTube, Twitter, Facebook and all corners of the internet that his or her opinion is lesser than yours in the realm of pure metal. They are and forever will be a bunch nobodies who like music that sucks. Cleave their hearts with your words. Shove your fists square in the air and release your index and pinky finger so retarded hard and fast that the bones in your hands crack like a bolt in the sky upon release. Swing your mighty dragons mane with neck snapping fervor unapologetically into the fairy faces of unmetal wusscakes who made the mistake of standing within 6 feet of your Rapunzel-length majesty. Never apologize even for a fucking second about being the truest most metal, baddest of brutal asses that ever stomped upon this weak, dying planet.

Did that lift you and your metal spirits? Too bad, it was a joke. You're a fucking poseur if you're not me. 

Leave the Hall.

-- Brenocide \,,/

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

So In Conclusion

Before I start this long, much-needed venting, I want you all to know that the "Djent" article is about finished. I think it's pretty funny and I promise that I will post it tomorrow. However, I have a pretty good feeling that it's going to be the last post of it's kind. This has been a long time coming, and I know many of you have stuck with me through the years, reading and enjoying what I've written. So I at least owe you folks in particular an honest explanation as to why I haven't been updating the blog and why I don't really plan to after this. I apologize if it comes out as a lot of rambling, but I feel as though my thoughts on this are very mixed, so I'll do the best I can to convey them to you in as solid a form as they can possibly take.

I've loved writing for TNM these last few years, I really have. I'm glad that a lot of you guys had supportive, cool things to say and didn't take all this shit too seriously and just had fun with it like I did. Thanks for laughing along. Even those who shit all over me and made the death threats and referred to me as a mom's basement wanker, thanks for playing into this massive negativity fest as well. It's good that you're all passionate about your musical opinions even if I think they're pretty terrible.

So are any of you wondering why I don't write anymore? I still get the question a lot.

Because each and every passing day I give less of a shit about my favorite musical genre. Because I'd rather get a full night's sleep to make it easier to do my full-time job and earn a living, than stand through six or seven cookie cutter garage bands before the band I came to see gets to play their music from 12 to 2 am on a Wednesday fucking night, in some overcrowded dive bar an hour away from my apartment. Because I'd rather experience the outside world or hang out with my friends or my wife than spend another six hours on the internet arguing with some rosy-cheeked gauger from Australia about how shitty his favorite band is, or how opinions work on my Facebook page. TNM was a blog driven by my passion for heavy metal, Brenocide was a character inspired by that passion, and the relationship between me and the metal scene has been completely lacking in the romance department as of late.

I am sincerely finding myself of the opinion that most heavy metal out there, "true" or not, is fucking terrible. 

Thanks to the internet, heavy metal is now a completely over-saturated market. There are too many bands doing too much of the same boring shit with little to no regard for each other. If you don't believe me, spend an afternoon browsing www.metal-archives.com and try your hardest not to quit music. Metal has become this beached whale, still barely alive, but being crushed to death by its own massive weight. So much blubber to go around. There's too much fucking fat that needs to be cut out of this genre, but yet it grows bigger and fatter every day. Stuff like "djent" is boring and formulaic, but it's only a small part of the problem. Bandcamp is rife with underground grindcore, bedroom black metal, and oh-boy-more-death metal bands that aren't breaking up fast enough to make way for people playing good, original music.

I've been playing with the concept of starting a band with my friends ever since I was a teenager. We all play instruments, we all have gear, we all have time to hang out and make it happen. I have an 8-5 job, but I'm free on weekends if I wanted to play out with them. It's totally possible. Besides the basic insecurities about my playing prowess, my stage presence, and whether or not people will tear down my efforts; my greatest challenge in getting off my ass and being a creator of metal instead of a consumer/armchair critic, is that it's all been done before. What could I possibly add to the metal genre that hasn't been already featured, ad nauseam, by thousands of other acts, and already better than I could ever make it?

What am I gonna do, start another death metal band? Look, fuck death metal. Stop uploading your shitty basic death metal music to the internet, stop playing it in bars, stop writing lyrics about torturing women with sharp things, stop e-mailing blogs for undeserved exposure, stop drawing zombie cover art, just shut the fuck up already. Every good death metal song is already written and done, and archived somewhere for our listening pleasure. There is plenty of good death metal already complete and pressed into vinyl or tape or CD or digital format. All the best death metal bands are already signed or broken up and have been for decades. Stop trying. Cannibal Corpse is still putting out albums, you don't have to put out new music for them. The only legitimate contribution anybody is making to the death metal genre these days is violent t-shirt artwork. I'm hard-pressed to be convinced that death metal fans don't get into certain new bands just so they can walk around in new offensive t-shirt designs so they can keep scaring the normals. I've been listening to and loving this music for years, and I'm coming out the other end realizing it's all the fucking same; and if it's not, then whatever new brilliant concept you think you're gonna bring to the genre, somebody already has done it and way better than you, fifteen fucking years ago. Stop making it. I'm of course talking about death metal as it is. Not necessarily technical or melodic, just straight-up, boring old death metal. For every basic purist death metal band that has ever e-mailed me looking for a review of their music, here's your review:

BREAK UP.

And oh my god you neo thrash-heads. Oh my fucking god. If I wanted to listen to the exact music that you and your Brazilian buddies are gonna excitedly get together and write for us, I would just put on a fucking Exodus album. Fuck off you denim-vest donning gimmicky fucking phonies. You guys are cover bands with different lyrics. It's one thing to incorporate thrash elements in your sound a la Revocation. It's a whole other thing to just go ahead and be thrash. We're talking about a genre that came and went. Everything that was gonna be done with thrash was done 30 years ago. Fucking stop it.

I'm not even gonna talk about black metal. I don't even need to. All I've said already applies to you cartoon characters as well. Wash off your makeup and get a job.

Look, this isn't to say that there aren't phenomenal metal bands coming out with great new music of all genres. Of course there are, maybe even some in the genres I just tore into. I still listen to metal and I still buy albums because of this very fact. If any of you want to suggest new bands to me that you think are fresh and different and worth listening to, believe me, I'm all ears. Just so long as it's not your fucking band, because I can just about guarantee you that if you're e-mailing me for exposure, you're already another carbon copy of somebody else who's done it before you and better. It's just that to find metal groups that have something worthwhile to offer takes an unreasonable amount of digging. It's like these other bands don't consider what they actually have to offer the listener before they start chugging away at some basic metal riffs so they can open as forgettable filler groups that won't sell any t-shirts at these overblown, time-sucking, thrown together "metal fests". Most metal sounds like all other metal and it sucks. Even when it's good at being like all the other metal, it's still boring and repetitive. But what's my point, why stop writing TNM?

TNM is a blog all about hating on music, and there's just too much music out there to hate right now. Why would I waste so much time bashing bands like IWABO, Asking Alexandria or Black Veil Brides when the single worst thing going on within my genre is at the hands of the purists themselves? Like I said before, the majority of metal released these days isn't necessarily "false". Most of it isn't. It just sucks. It's formulaic and it's boring and it's old. I can't in good conscience keep writing about how we should keep metal "pure" when this genre needs innovation and stand-out groups more than ever. True metal's worst enemy is itself. People are picking up guitars ready to start shredding without stopping to think whether they have anything fresh and new to contribute. We are a genre of copy cats that sells our music based on nostalgia. We all wanna play music that sounds like Megadeth so we can sell our t-shirts to Megadeth fans. If you've ever commented on a metal band's page stating "hey, XYZ you guys are awesome! You remind me of classic ABC!" then you are part of the problem. Why the hell would you listen to and support XYZ when they are just copping riffs from classic ABC? Just listen to fucking classic ABC. The music is already there, you dolt. Nobody should just be some musical reminder. It's lazy, it's non-authentic. It's being a poseur as its purest definition.

I'm expecting a barrage of comments regarding how "I sold out" or "gave up" or how "I'm not metal anymore" or I'm a "poseur" for the comments I made today. Mostly from high schoolers. Maybe you're confused as to what sort of a person I really am. Brenocide was a like cartoon character I devised in my head when I started this blog. I pictured the sort of stupid shit the muscley Manowar mascot would say if he was sitting at a computer chair and just went with it. This whole thing was supposed to be a satirical representation of how a metal elitist carries himself on the internet. I'll admit it didn't really stay that way. With my written musings I found myself an audience, and with that, a podium I never had before where I could speak out against things I wasn't happy about in the genre. There was always a shred of hard truth to the elitist, honestly. I would turn him up a thousand fold because I always found comedy in exaggeration, but I can't really fall back on the claim that I was always kidding. In a way, I got full of myself. I was like a con man that started a cult for the money, but after preaching for so long started to buy his own bullshit. Maybe I really did take things too far at times. I look back on most of this and feel like a total ass for some of the poison I let loose without any sign of sarcasm or exaggeration. For all of the sincere vitriol I have featured on this blog, I have nothing but the deepest regrets, except of course for the sincere and important criticisms I am making today. I'd like to think it was obvious when I was just kidding, but I can't help but understand how people got confused about my intentions with TNM. I even got several e-mails asking me whether or not the blog was serious, because I never made an effort to make that crystal clear. The whole thing ended up being kind of a mess. I tried writing reviews but hated doing it. I tried focusing my attack on metalcore groups like they were a real threat as they were actually plummeting in popularity. I ranted about things that were off topic and from the looks of it, spent a lot more time trashing the people and musicians within my genre, rather than the "false" groups who "threatened" it. Honestly, metal dudes are way easier to make fun of. There's a lot wrong with most of us.

If you are a sincere, tried and true metal elitist heart and soul, I mean, good for you man. That's fine. You know what you like, and there's nothing really wrong with being a purist. You're passionate about your genre and I gotta respect that. Maybe you can make an effort to keep it to yourself and not be such a loud-mouthed nay saying super-twat all the time? However, if you looked up to Brenocide in anyway and somehow feel betrayed by this grand reveal of myself as maybe not a complete fuckhead, then you are 14 years old. Even if you're not, you are still fucking 14. Grow up and get off the internet until you do.

If you've ever legitimately given anybody a hard time for being a "poseur", that is a classic "he who smelt it dealt it" situation. Look at you. You grew your hair long so you could look like the other guys at the metal show. You wear camo pants like the other guys at the metal show. You wore leather arm bands like the other guys at the metal show. You sewed yourself a patch covered denim vest like the other guys at the metal show. You got your nose pierced because you thought it looked cool on some other guy at some other metal show. Everything you have ever done for yourself and your image was so that you could fit nicely into someone else's style scheme. You also avoid music that you would probably like if you just gave it a chance because you're worried about what the other metal guys would think if they heard you listening to it. Worst of all, you start playing speed metal music that's already been done a million times before, and you send it to this page expecting exposure and approval. Oh my god, fuck you forever.

The guy with the hair he got cut short for his job just standing around quietly in the crowd watching the metal performance without doing everything in his power to make a spectacle of himself is a million times more true and metal than you will ever be. He doesn't have to do everything in his physical power to prove to everyone around him that he's metal enough to be there like some insecure little bitch. He just bought a ticket and entered the show in spite of you. I'm not saying having long hair and wearing leather, denim and camo makes you a poseur, or insecure, or less metal, I'm just saying let's have a little fucking perspective here as to why you look like that before getting riled up about people who don't. I have friends who look the part, and there's not one negative thing about them. It's just a different story when you start shitting on other people for how exactly they go about metal. It reveals certain things about you, it tells me all the reasons why you look like that in the first place. It's because you're scared if you don't, then you won't be accepted by your fellow dickhead friends. As if their opinions ever fucking mattered. There are people on the internet right now writing a comment on a band photo about how the short haired drummer of some group doesn't "fit in". If there really was a hall, these are the people that should be asked to leave it.

So after I post the Djent article, there will be no more "Violations". Most likely no more "That's Not Metal". Is this the end for me and the metal community, however? I'm not exactly sure. I might reach out to some other well-established metal blogs and try to maybe write something positive about the few bands out there that aren't doing all the same boring garbage other metal bands keep churning out. I doubt many are gonna want much to do with me given my reputation, but fuck it, why not see who's willing to bite? Perhaps my friends and I will come up with and produce some metal music we can be proud of and I can focus on being a contributor to the cause rather than just sit here whining about it. If I were to start playing music, however, I would put as much distance between myself and this blog as physically possible and do all I could to make sure nobody made the connection. With the current state of the music "industry", you need to make friends, and nobody wants to have the guy who shit talked their band or friend's band open for them. Who knows? Maybe some day you'll be listening to a bass line or guitar riff I'm playing and be none the wiser. Probably not, but it's a nice thought on my part.

I plan on renewing the domain for the next couple years so people can enjoy the content I've already written. Feel free to share, there's plenty to read on here. But I don't plan on posting anything new after the Djent violation is up. Just try to take all the shit I said with a grain of salt if you're new here, mmkay? Again, I really appreciate everybody who ever took the time to visit my blog and read what I had to say whether or not it was enjoyed by you. It's been a whole lot of fun for me, and I've never ever in my whole life developed a sort of audience or fanbase before this, even though it was small. So thank you. Thank you for the comments, thank you for sharing, thank you for the long arguments into the night. Everybody, really thank you.

Stay metal, if you even can, poseurs,

-- Brenocide \,,/
but actually just some dude named Brendan who's a lot more chill.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Sure, I will write something else. Eventually.

I was going to quit writing for this stupid site, but I still sort of like how fucking dumb it is. Expect a new update at some point. Or just give up already. I won't miss you, you sniveling tit. The less of you knowing how to metal, the better after all. It's called "elite" for a reason. How about you take all that unemployed free time of yours and go learn to play Green Day on an acoustic guitar so girls might consider fucking you?

See you soon.

-- Noupdatesagainocide \,,/




Thursday, August 15, 2013

Random Things I'll Negatively Review Instead of Super Collider

Everybody's a critic

When Megadeth -- thrash titans of Big Three fame -- released their fourteenth studio album, Super Collider, the internet couldn't band together to hate it fast enough. After gaining themselves some barely listenable momentum with End Game and Th1rt3en, expectations were particularly "high" for Megadeth's next big release. Unfortunately, those hopes were soundly dashed when the band started releasing singles from the album back in late April. These two songs, Super Collider and Kingmaker, accurately set the rest of the album up as the inevitable dad rock dump that it totally was.

People were quick to voice their disappointment, and upon hearing Super Collider myself, I confirmed that they had every right to. This wasn't a very good album. This wasn't even an okay album. Outside of some very occasional high notes, this was a pretty bad album. It's not really the end of the world like some critics are making it out to be; it had some decent guitar work, and some stylistic throwbacks to a younger Megadeth, but the compliments end there. Super Collider, like several of the band's studio endeavors before it, shall be tossed callously into my mental bin of other underwhelming, shitty Megadeth albums. There, Super Collider will lay forgotten with the likes of Youthanasia, Cryptic Writings, Risk, The World Needs a Hero... The System has Failed... ... United Abominations... ... most of the songs off of Countdown...

Wait, tell me how we all got so fucking disappointed again?