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Sunday, September 27, 2015

Review: Stonefromthesky - Orbital

Yep, looks like a one man band's cover art.

Stonefromthesky is  a one man band from Kiev, Ukraine. Strike one right out the gate is being a one man band. Usually the term implies "Pretentious Douche". The description the artist provides of himself doesn't help much either. "The project started in 2012 as means of individual self-expression. Soon it grew into an experiment to see what one man could do on his own.". Unfortunately "what one man can do on his own" turns out to be a complete waste of time. Here is his explanation of the genres his music incorporates "Though his music has definite electronic roots, stonefromthesky’s style also combines elements of atmospheric sludge, post-metal, stoner rock, ambient, glitch, IDM, breakbeat and whatnot.", which sounds like a fancy way of saying industrial music with distorted guitars and yelling, and unless Ukraine's definition of metal is drastically different from the one true definition as etched into stone by Tony Iommi, that is not metal.

The album all tends to blend together. In the five or so listens I can find nothing remarkable, let alone metal, about this album except that portions of the track Irreversible sound like they could have come off the soundtrack to Pi. Ignore the terms sludge and post metal. They are there to lure you in. Like a trapdoor spider, this album seems safe on the surface with it's description of a experimental metal with digital elements. But what it really desires, is to let it's true nature grab you from the below the seemingly safe surface and drain the metal from your body, leaving you a husk of what you once were.

The main problem I have with this album isn't the music itself. It's that it was sent to a metal website for review, which is actually not Stonefromthesky's fault. It's your fault. You poseurs that listen to Rammstein and attempt to speak their name in the same sentence as Ministry. Ministry earned their place in metal, Stonefromthesky has done nothing to prove that he belongs in our hallowed halls. Contrary to what Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails fans may tell you, industrial music isn't metal. It never was, and it's disgusting the way it seeps into metal and tries to taint it. If your favorite metal bands include Rob Zombie, you aren't metal. Take your fancy sound effects and shove them up your ass. It's as if you're talking to someone about steak, the most metal of meats, and some cock brings up imitation meat with steak flavoring. It isn't steak. Its a monstrosity that appropriates a portion of it and pretends to be on the same level.

If you want to have a spider incapacitate you so that you may host it's young until they are mature enough to devour you alive click here. There is also a video for those of you that feel the questionable urge to see the visual aspect of what one man can do on his own. Watch it here.


Friday, September 25, 2015

5 Tips on How to Dress Like a True Metal Elitist

Coming to a metal show near you; and then every one after that.

Deth Leppard: Since the very first overdriven power chord rang out from the plucked strings of an amplified guitar, the genre of Heavy Metal has always been defined by its aesthetic along with its tone: long hair, denim, leather, spikes, chains, boots, makeup, body mods, extreme album artwork, jagged band logos, and the black on black, none more black attire. To speak of Metal sonically is to only tell half the story. Heavy Metal isn't simply a genre of music, but a way of life. Metal is its own culture. To even refer to it as a "counter-culture" would be to deny its awesome worldwide influence on the entertainment market. Metalheads aren't some group of underground ragtag rebels -- far from it -- we are a global force of listeners, consumers, event attendees, collectors and enthusiasts.   

Many folks will agree that you know a metalhead when you see one. People with a penchant for extreme music will often have the extreme look to match. Attend any live metal performance and you will bear witness to a sea of this concept in practice. Just think of the term "metalhead", and what sort of person comes to mind? Does he have long hair? Does his wallet have a chain? Is he wearing a denim vest covered in band patches? How about some redundant leather wrist wear? Studs, studs, and more studs? If any of this rings true as your definition of a metal fan, then congratulations, friend: you are a poseur thinking about other poseurs. 

"You mean this doesn't look cool?"

I can already sense your confusion from the other side of the internet. When I say "poseurs", I must be talking about those djenters and deathcore kids, right? Think again, Chandler Chinbeard. I'm talking about you "metal warrior" ultra twat tryhards with your stringy locks clinging desperately to a perpetually receding hairline. You dudes holding up horns with leather wrist straps that some overworked Chinese forgot to install a watch in at the sweatshop. I'm tired of your shit, you out-of-touch goofball. Whenever LeatherMetalSpikesAndChains clonks his black army boots across my path at a show, me and every self respecting metal fan in the vicinity rolls our eyes so completely fucking hard that they just about roll out of our bleeding sockets. It's 2015 already. Fuck you. Grow a personality. 

Look brother, I don't mean to be so harsh. It ain't your fault that you've been so misguided with proper metal attire. The "metal look" has been perpetuated throughout decades of shitty music played by shitty musicians who are all show and no substance along with their shittier fans. Bands like Satyricon have looked like Satyricon since the early 90's and people who listened to Satyricon always thought they were supposed to just dress like Satyricon at a Satyricon show. Or wherever else they ended up in life, like family holidays with their humiliated parents or bagging my fucking groceries at the only job they can get. 

It seems like the guys with the long hair, soul patches and leather jackets; these are the fruit loops that you'd expect to cry "false" more than anybody else in regards to others who listen to or play metal music. So it's easy for you to believe this is what makes them the "metal elitists".  But truth is, they're the biggest phonies of them all. You guys are wannabes 101. How are you gonna go around calling other people "poseurs" when you spend 45 minutes getting "geared up" to look like everybody else in your favorite music videos? I'm secure enough in my metalocity that I don't need to make a superficial spectacle of myself to everyone around me. You're not. Them's the fucking breaks, pal. I can exist as a human being with a modest sense of style while still listening to infinitely better metal music than you. I don't have to prove shit to anybody, because my shit is actually true.

I hear a lot of metal 'elitists' scoffing about "hipsters" ruining the genre with new music. These are the same people that listen to Fear Factory without batting an eyelash, mind you, but think of Liturgy as a complete farce. First, allow me to explain that "hipsters" are not a new thing. "Hipster" is just a new name for a type of individual that has always existed. So you can't call shit like Deafheaven or Kvelertak "hipster metal", just because of who's playing it. The person you're referring to is just a creative type or vaguely eccentric type from his generation. Someone who is following his or her current generation's trend in fashion and media. Leonardo Da Vinci, for example was not a "hipster".

Although it's debatable. 

To bring this concept to somewhere more relevant, Dave Mustaine didn't grow poofy long locks and wear ripped up jeans so he could go around looking metal. He just went to high school looking like that  -- and then subsequently band practice looking like that -- he was just existing with the look all the other nerds in 1980's high school had. That shit didn't make him metal. His musicality did. 

Let this fact sink in deeper than you're tattoo ink and linger longer than you're body odor: you're not a rebel. You're just mainstream from 30 years ago. It's time to totally clear your mind of the falsity of the "metal warrior" look. From this point onward, that concept is dead in regards to true metal fandom. Put down the black nail polish, and stop picking out metal bands you like based on the length of their hair like a fucking idiot. You might think that's an unreasonable assumption to make about you turds, but I still find myself in conversations with guys that base the "great Metallica sellout" moment as the release of "Load". 

But what do I do? What should I wear if I want to look like a true metal defender of the faith?


That's the secret. Fucking stop it. Be yourself. And no, bullet belts are not "yourself", Sepultura Steve. You have options now, so at least try to dress in a way that makes most women want to bang you, as opposed to just a select few women who are already banging guys that accomplish that very niche look a lot better than you. Do that shit and then just listen to metal music anyway. If you maintain an honest metal fandom without doing everything you can to look like a supreme edgelord; you'll get good jobs, make more money, and have more sweet moolah to buy records, band shirts, guitars or posters your wife/girlfriend won't let you hang up. If you happen to be a woman? Well, let's be honest; you couldn't walk around looking 'metal' in a band tee without getting quizzed by some spergoid piece of shit who didn't believe you knew anything about the band you were wearing, due completely to your vagina. It shouldn't be that way -- I know -- but you know how the ol' patriarchy goes, right? It just is that way. You might be allowed to vote now, but you're another century or so away, at least, from not being part of a deeply rooted culture where you're harassed about your grindcore tee. Sorry, ladies.

Ok. What are you still doing here? You're all set. Were you expecting a "top 10" or something? Do I need to break down a bullet-point list for you to fucking click on and read anything anymore? You sheep brained poseurs. No wonder you walk around looking so stupid. You have no proper guidance whatsoever. I suppose that's what I'm here for, so with the much appreciated input of Brenocide here's your step-by-step guide to how exactly you should dress yourself as proper metal snob who's true above all the rest:

1. Cut. Your. Fucking. Hair. 

Coming to a school shooting near you; and then everyone after that.

Deth Leppard: Yeah, I said it.

Brenocide: Oh boy. Shots fired.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Review: Satanic Cake Off

The Cakemageddon is upon us.

Want to know why this is better than something like Blackosh? Intent. The one time you can break the rule of what black metal is about is for intentional comedy. Where Blackosh comes off as steaming load of insincere bullshit using black metal as a pretense to make themselves look evil, Satanic Cake Off is up front about it's intentions. It doesn't grab my interest in a way that will make me keep coming back, but at least it isn't pretending to be something it isn't.

Satanic Cake Off, is a web series in which members of metal bands decorate a cake in an attempt to outdo Big Winter, the host of the show. A black metal song that describes the building of each cake is played as they are made and after they are finished the cakes are presented to concert goers to vote on and the losing cake is destroyed.

I appreciate the work put into it and I certainly think that when the right audience sees it Winter's work will really shine. Cake based antics may not give me a throbbing metal erection but it is sure to be enjoyed when seen by the right person. So go ahead and watch because, as Anthrax and Gwar have taught us, there is always a place for comedy in metal.


Monday, September 21, 2015

Review: Bring Me The Horizon - (Smells like) That's The Spirit

I hope you all learned a valuable lesson. I hope this hurts.

I'll admit I'm a pretty stubborn guy. If I decide I don't like somebody, the chances of me ever warming up to them is slim and slimmer. But now I can say that for the first time in my life, my heart goes out to a group of people I've spent a decent chunk of my existence completely loathing and disrespecting. A group of individuals that I never considered would be on the receiving end of my empathy and understanding. A collection of young folks who deserve not only my heartfelt condolences, but my undying sympathy.

I'm referring of course, to Bring Me The Horizon fans.

It was upon the release of 2008's Suicide Season, that I first got my chance to completely despise BMTH. Along with their shrieky, chuggy, chanty, by-the-book deathcore music, their fans came along for the ride of my animosity. The stretched earlobes, the viper bites, the cliche tattoos, the eye-covering, swoopy black hairdos. Scenesters through and through. Weirdos with a set of extreme high-school age sensibilities regarding life, love, hate and rebellion. At the time, BMTH was a bunch of children making music for children. Lead vocalist Oliver Sykes gave voice to the screaming in the heads of every sexually frustrated pubescent adolescent that wasn't willing to conform to the ease and general acceptance of pop radio taste.

And yet, despite the cartoons you all had scarred into your pale skin; time took its toll. The lot of you had to grow up, just as your parents always cautioned with every newly acquired haphazard body mod. You got whatever jobs you could with the newly formed, gaping anuses you've wrought upon your earlobes. You've already long since graduated from, or dropped out of college. Adult life is not only an abyss staring back at you from the edge, it is a black pit that has long since enveloped you years ago. As you desperately try to keep the college loansharks at bay with a measly Mcjob paycheck, you now reminisce back to a simpler, happier time: when you were still copping feels from allegedly willing, raccoon-eyed scene queens, and plugging your iPod Nano into the aux cord of the tape adapter in your hand-me-down Buick; still full of youth and vigor as you raced towards the local Hot Topic while blaring "The Comedown" at top volume with your windows down, purposefully upsetting the peace and quiet of the white suburbia that surrounded you.

It's the reason your dad gets pumped when he hears Led Zep's "Black Dog" for the 48 millionth fucking time on the radio. The music of your youth will always be important to you. But as previously stated, you're not a youth, you haven't been for a while; and BMTH's new music is now not for you. It's for a newer generation of pissed off teenagers who even at their edgiest, still greatly appreciate house music. The very artists that you once idolized are now preparing music for a younger, more open-minded, more well-rounded listener. A new mutant breed of teeny bopper growing up as part of the Spotify generation. Where any song from any artist from any genre of music is just a mouse click away, and it's a fucking miracle if they get through the several minutes of a single song to its completion. With That's The Spirit, BMTH totally accommodates these broad minded, all-loving, entitled little alternative fuckos, and just like 90% of your Facebook friends, BMTH stopped giving any sort of shit about you a little over seven years ago.

Just like many a rock/metal band before them, Bring Me The Horizon adjusted their sound to match the needs of a current demographic. They were once children making music for children, but now, they are men making music for children; in the same vein as Staind and Linkin Park in their prime.

So despair. I welcome thee, fellow poor, unfortunate souls.

Welcome to the sell out:

Well, we can easily call it a sell out. We can bark and hiss and moan and cry foul. It makes sense to say that the reason the bands of our youth so drastically change must be for the sake of continued commercial success. However, if you were to use your head -- you know, the thing you failed to do when you got that sweet ass Tommy Pickles tat -- you would realize that there was a time when BMTH spoke directly to you, when they got your money. And they did all this, when you were exactly a 17-year-old in 2008. If you, a former BMTH fan, is upset with their current musical direction, you only have yourself to blame for mindlessly enjoying these cunts and their edgy Kids Bop in the first place.

Don't feel too bad. Hormones make you stupid.

But you see, this is what BMTH does. They make 17-year-old kid music. There was never a moment in time when these young Englishmen weren't making music specifically for pissed off teenagers. A modern day high school sophomore who falls in love with a song like Throne is highly unlikely to go backwards in the band's discography and find much to enjoy with a song like Alligator Blood. The same is going to be true in the reverse situation. Every album they've released has gotten that much significantly softer, synthetic and various that they are not even remotely the band they were only half a decade ago.

However, can we not say the same of Metallica with their 90's alt-rock? Can we not demand to know from Morbid Angel how one goes about "killing a kult kult"? How can I, with a straight face. blame the irked BMTH fan when I felt that knot in my stomach twist upon hearing Mastodon's ballad of violent goat-related disagreements? Bands good and bad, true and false; they change all the time. Some only to stay current, some for the sake of artistic endeavor. While most will purport the latter in these circumstances, it's often times too easy to tell when the former is true. That's The Spirit is an extreme example of blatant popification. The album cover to cover is chock full of hard rock, uber-catchy, hook-laden, electronic thumping, radio friendly alternative anthems. It's so genre bending from track to track, it may as well be the aforementioned Spotify playlist that BMTH's current demographic lives by. There's simply no way a BMTH fan of former albums can listen to this music and enjoy it. If they outright suggest otherwise, they are Randy Marsh-esque hasbeens clinging desperately to the concept of staying current, so as to stave off the inevitable reaper known as adulthood. This isn't your music anymore. No. It's something much younger, much fresher, and much much worse. Move on and grow up. Take it from any one of us old fart former Slayer fans, it only goes downhill from here.

You know times are tough when I can be disappointed by a band I already very much hated. I'm sorry BMTH fans. You deserved some terrible things, but nobody deserves this.

- Deth Leppard